Great Ideas for Christmas

Nothing says “I love you” like a Kmart gift card.

Conveniently located just a few hundred miles from most major cities, Kmart is a shopper’s paradise, offering the latest in fashion, jewelry and appliances at an affordable cost, as well as a huge selection of electronics (that blows Radio Shack out of the water)—and don’t forget the toys!

Buy a $50 or a $100 gift card and your loved one will thank you.  

Check out the new Reebok Pumps, worn by NBA star Dee Brown.

Kmart has boomboxes, Nintendo Gameboy’s, even Rubik’s cubes—(Dad might like that too).  

Buy your wife or girlfriend a pink spandex exercise outfit. Or maybe just a simple wool suit to climb up that corporate ladder.

And music lovers will love the new cassette tapes from artists like Michael Jackson, Madonna and Guns N’ Roses on sale now for just $5.99.

 

Gift cards are available in the check-out.

The Worst Celebrities I Can Think Of

In honor of celeb week—the famous who avoided (what, in a sane world, should have been) obscurity:

 

5. The Commentators on VH1′s “Where are they Now?”

The only thing worse than a bombed celebrity are the Grade D comics and B-movie stand-ins on this show. You were hired by a second-rate “music” channel to spit criticism at celebrities more unfortunately famous than yourselves. Cute! Yeah, you’re funny. Yeah, you’re witty. Yeah, you still play to an empty house in Hollywood. (Then again who else could be such an acute judge of poor talent? Way to go to VH1.)

 

4. Hayden Christensen

Talk faster man! Why is this guy big? (How’d even get a gig?). No offense Hayden—you know, in a way, I admire you. You make a bundle of cash, royalties out the ying-yang and probably girls at your behest who are under the illusion that Natalie Portman found you desirable. Really, I don’t blame you. I blame drugs. And casting agents too high to know the difference between bad acting and good-looks. 

 

3. That Parachuting Writer Guy

I’m being mean. So, I’ll congratulate this character—a man so desperately in-love with his manuscript that he parachuted onto a soccer game in the U.K. to promote it. Not as successful as Kris Kristofferson but it got laughs—and high-fives from his mates at the pub.

 

 

2. The Nintendo Power Glove

You. 

Before technology worked, there was the Power Glove. A $100 waste of wrapping paper. Dasher of 12-year-old hopes and dreams of immortality, you couldn’t knock out Glass Joe. 

 

1. George Bush 

Had to be here.

Watching Ants Carry Food: A Questionable Form of Entertainment

It’s fun watching ants carry food across the kitchen floor. Except that’s disgusting. So, let’s say it’s outside.

But they’re strong creatures. Ants carry food 10 to 20 times their body weight. For heavier food, they team up. (And there’s a lot of them: the combined weight of all ants on earth is greater than the combined weight of all humans). 

But it’s a funny thing to watch. Sort of like watching a small child carry a big, empty cardboard box over his head.

Still, a healthy form of entertainment? That’s debatable. Let’s say 45 seconds worth of fun (a minute and a half if he’s carrying pet food and your cat looks offended)

But any longer, that’s questionable—you might need a degree in Myrmecology.

The O.J. Simpson trial

Jurors in the O.J. Simpson trial heard this tape last week which was secretly recorded by Henry Beardsly, the plantiff in the case, who alledges Simpson broke into his Las Vegas hotel last Spring with a gun in order to take back memorphibila Simpson claims was stolen from him.

Beardsley: Yo, O.J. 

O.J.: Man, what you doing with my stuff?

Beardsley: What stuff?

O.J.: Look man, that’s my stuff. 

Beardsley: I don’t know what your talking about. Besides you ain’t asking nicely

O.J.: Come on, please? It’s right there.

Beardsley: Please, what?

O.J.: Can I pretty please have my stuff back?

Beardsley: With a cherry?

O.J.: Can I pretty please with a cherry on top have my things back?

Beardsley: Ok. I’ll think about it.

O.J.: Really?

Beardsley: Na, you can’t have it

[note: sniffles are heard]

O.J.: Pleeeeeeease?

[note: a door opens]

Beardsley: Hey! If it isn’t the chauffeur! What you doing here?

O.J.: Please. No, A.C. He’ll give it back.

Cowlings: You fool.

Beardsley: What’s that bag for?

[sound: a zipper]

Beardsley: What the hell is that?

Cowlings: Blood. 

Beardsley: You got a bag of blood?

Cowlings: Cop blood. He works in Vegas.

Beardsley: Man, what the HELL??!! Stop pouring that out!

O.J.: I can’t stop him

Beardsley: What are you doing??!!

Cowlings: Corrupting the crime scene. 

Beardsley: What crime scene?

Cowlings: This crime scene. [sound of a gun cocking]

[sound of crying]

Cowlings: O.J. shut the hell up.

Beardsley: Ok, ok, ok. Listen. Okay, here’s your things man. 

O.J.: [sniffing] Ooookay.

 

[End of Tape]

 

(P.S.: Just so you know: I made this up. Don’t sue me, k?)