In honor of celeb week—the famous who avoided (what, in a sane world, should have been) obscurity:
5. The Commentators on VH1’s “Where are they Now?”
The only thing worse than a bombed celebrity are the Grade D comics and B-movie stand-ins on this show. You were hired by a second-rate “music” channel to spit criticism at celebrities more unfortunately famous than yourselves. Cute! Yeah, you’re funny. Yeah, you’re witty. Yeah, you still play to an empty house in Hollywood. (Then again who else could be such an acute judge of poor talent? Way to go to VH1.)
4. Hayden Christensen
Talk faster man! Why is this guy big? (How’d even get a gig?). No offense Hayden—you know, in a way, I admire you. You make a bundle of cash, royalties out the ying-yang and probably girls at your behest who are under the illusion that Natalie Portman found you desirable. Really, I don’t blame you. I blame drugs. And casting agents too high to know the difference between bad acting and good-looks.
3. That Parachuting Writer Guy
I’m being mean. So, I’ll congratulate this character—a man so desperately in-love with his manuscript that he parachuted onto a soccer game in the U.K. to promote it. Not as successful as Kris Kristofferson but it got laughs—and high-fives from his mates at the pub.
2. The Nintendo Power Glove
Before technology worked, there was the Power Glove. A $100 waste of wrapping paper. Dasher of 12-year-old hopes and dreams of immortality, you couldn’t knock out Glass Joe.
1. George Bush
Had to be here.